TW: transphobia
Soooo, recently I was talking to someone on an internet dating site (I won't tell you which one). The conversation kind of went like this:
Me: Hi, saw your post, sounds interesting. Blah blah blah hope to hear from you soon.
Him (having seen that I am genderqueer on my profile): Thanks for your message... would you please let me know your birth gender and whether or not you are pre- or post-op? Not that it matters, but I like to know people well before we get involved.
Me: Well, I don't really like answering those questions, but I'm FTM-spectrum and [personal details about my physicality].
Him: Ok. Your gender status is not a problem at all, by the way. Thanks for being honest... etc.
Me: Actually, you're being transphobic and I think I'll (as per usual) try again elsewhere, sorry. I hope you try educating yourself in the future.
Yeah, if you asked a "normal" cisgender person what their genitals looked like on a first message, they would rightfully think you were a creep. And then to tell me that my gender is not a problem for him. Um, thanks, I'm glad you're not bigoted. However, as a transperson, I am expected to disclose extremely personal things about myself and my body because people think they need to know these things--this is by no means the only person who has asked me these questions, which is why all of my profiles on various sites generally carry a "please don't say these things" disclaimer.
Apparently, if I'm trans, what's between my legs trumps all else in determining whether someone is attracted to me--not, say, whether our senses of humour match or whether we're interested in the same kinds of things, or, if my body was *really* that much of an issue for you, whether you would be interested in spending any time getting to know me regardless. If I decline to answer, I'm being dishonest, because they feel like they can't make out my "real" gender by my profile. I'm less entitled to personal boundaries. They feel entitled to know. Perhaps they want to protect themselves from that stereotypical trans assailant, like the eponymous Lola from the Kinks song, to take only one example.
And if the ignorant don't ask me questions, it's generally because they have already assumed that I'm their version of female-identified MTF, like, say, Rayon from Dallas Buyer's Club, infamously portrayed by Jared Leto--"a man who wanted to live his life as a woman" in his own words, "not... the real thing" in the director's words. A while back, I posted a personals ad to a Scottish LGBT magazine, also labeling myself trans* and genderqueer. All the men that have replied have assumed that I am a transwoman looking for a gay men to have sex with (!) and one kept calling me "butterfly." Sigh.
So I had to add yet another disclaimer to said internet dating profile, after the "I don't like to be called these things" one, and the "please don't be a tranny-chaser" one, saying "please don't ask me questions about my body." I am getting tired of adding to the list of things I don't want cispeople to say to me. I really wish that getting people to see me as a human being wasn't such a minefield sometimes.
