Creepy Old Men

Dear readers, today I went to the Meadows Festival in Edinburgh to sell some fortune-telling cupcakes in support of Non-Binary Scotland, which is a really exciting community group supporting non-binary identifying people (who don't identify as strictly female or male). The rain poured down, but I came home with all my cupcakes sold and having danced and felt pretty good.

Unfortunately, it wasn't entirely without incident. In the spirit of cupcake deliciousness, I had decided to wear a red sparkly tutu. It was ostentatious, it indicated that I was a fun, care-free spirit, and I was talking to strangers (this is necessary if one wants to sell cupcakes). And unfortunately, combine that with assumptions about festivals, and you get some people who decide that you're fair game to hit on.

I'd just read Everyday Sexism earlier, so when an older man started getting touchy feely, I recognized the signs right away. He used the pretense of buying a cupcake he didn't want. He started asking aggressive questions about the fortunes and doing that whole "how do I know I'm going to get what I paid for" attitude to try and put me on the wrong foot. He paid for the cupcake then didn't take it, so that I felt obliged to stick around. He wanted me to read his palm as an excuse to touch me. He wanted me to sit down so that he could be behind me (and do god knows what). He kept persisting in trying to touch me, while I did all in my power to avoid it.

His friends stood there, watching the scene unfold. I knew that if I walked away or got angry, they would tease me or decide that I had no sense of humour. If I blushed and got embarrassed, they would enjoy the sight. If I complained about what was happening, I would be the weird one who was reading too much into the situation or who couldn't take the banter. So instead, I simply remained polite, didn't do any of the things he wanted me to do, and then, when he realized I wasn't going to cave under the pressure, drifted off. He seemed put out and embarrassed in front of his friends, because an attractive "girl" had quite pointedly rejected his advances. He had lost out to me in a battle of wills over whether or not, despite my wishes, he could have access to my body and my attention. It wasn't a battle that I should have had to win.

Putting it another way: He was pretending that what he was doing wasn't inappropriate, so I also pretended that he wasn't doing anything inappropriate, while making sure he had no access to *do* anything inappropriate. And it unnerved him, because he was bullying me, and bullies can't stand someone standing up to them.

It was when I was dancing a little while later that I noticed another man in his 60s, who has previously made sexual comments to me, standing directly behind me. He could have just been enjoying the band, and for a little while, I tried to have fun anyway, with him there. But after a few minutes, I realised that I didn't have to be self-conscious, I had no reason to be, and I didn't have to put up with feeling defensive because of his presence. So I walked away for a bit. When I came back, he had left. It was a relief.

Straight men like these are so adept at this kind of manipulation, to varying degrees. The "I didn't mean anything by it" defense or the "I was just joking" retort or "Why are you being so serious," while covering up that actually, what they're doing is aggressive, boundary-crossing, and wrong. The good old boy network and the patriarchy ensure that they are the ones who always win the argument. Thankfully, my life experiences, feminism, and the Everyday Sexism project have taught me the tools to recognize this behaviour, and not to be cowed by it. This is why we need the tools of feminism.

May everyone who comes across this kind of horribleness find the strength to stand up to it. It is such an empowering feeling.